


Forgiveness

by orphan_account



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Kinda, M/M, Priest!kink, Rape, Rape/Non-con Elements, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-30
Updated: 2013-11-30
Packaged: 2018-01-03 00:46:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1063665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Do you offer your heart to God in order to be forgiven by Him?”</p><p>“Yes,” Levi murmurs. “I offer my heart to God.”</p><p>I offer my heart to you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Forgiveness

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bluebackstabber](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluebackstabber/gifts).



> oh gosh so yes as you can see in the tags there is a rape scene so beware !!!! also suicide and general suicidal thoughts so tread wisely little ones
> 
> (unbeta-ed so all mistakes are my fault)

“Hey father,” Levi drops to his knees unceremoniously outside the small compartment that holds Father Erwin, and clasps his hands together in his lap.

“Good afternoon, Levi,” the cool voice floats through the grate, and Levi lets his eyes fall shut as the tension leaves his shoulders, letting the smooth voice wash over him. “How have the past few days been for you?”

 _Long_ , Levi thinks. _I was waiting until I could come see you again._

Instead, he snorts derisively. “Awful, as usual. What about you?”

“The days were long,” Erwin responds. “Lots of papers to fill out, lots of sermons to write and lots of confessions to listen to. I was wondering when you would return, though.”

Levi’s chest tightens at the words, but he pushes the feeling down. “Okay, then, old man, whatever you say. Can we get on with this, though? I have places to be.”

Erwin chuckles lowly, but says, “Go on, then. You know how this works.”

Levi pauses and exhales slowly, before beginning. “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.” He takes a deep breath, and continues. “In the last three days, I have stolen food from numerous people and shops, I have killed one man, who, I should tell you, was trying to kidnap a small child, and I have slept with 11 men for money.”

There is silence, as there always is, after Levi announces his total for the past few days, until Erwin shifts slightly.

“Do you repent?” he asks, voice carefully devoid of emotion, and Levi flinches. “Do you offer your heart to God in order to be forgiven by Him?”

“Yes,” Levi murmurs. “I offer my heart to God.”

_I offer my heart to you._

“Then I absolve you of your sins. You are forgiven in the eyes of the Lord.” Erwin says quietly, and silence falls again. Levi stays kneeling for a moment, before he stands fluidly, trying not to make a sound, and turns to walk briskly from the room. This time, though, there is a commotion behind him, and Erwin calls out after him.

“Wait!”

Levi halts, bracing himself before turning around to face the priest. He can’t help but inhale sharply at the sight of him, all bright eyes and clean clothes and well kept hair, and the contrast between this noble man of God and the lowly street urchin before him makes Levi’s heart ache.

“What do you want, old man?” he asks, cocking his hip to the right and raising an eyebrow.

Erwin smiles softly as he comes to a stop in front of the smaller man. “I just wanted to know if you were doing alright.”

Levi snorts again, shaking his head and running a hand through his long, dark hair so he doesn’t have to look at the other man for a moment. “I’m never alright, you giant assbag. But I’m alive, and I’m relatively safe, so I’ll be okay.”

“And if you aren’t…?” Erwin asks, ignoring the foul language and seeming genuinely concerned.

“You’ll be the first to know,” Levi finishes for him, heart skipping a beat when he sees Erwin’s expression soften, a content smile gracing his features.

“Good,” he says in his deep, soothing voice. “I’ll see you in a few days?”

Levi nods, trying not to read into the hopeful tone in the other man’s voice. Inclining his head in thanks, Levi turns and leaves the church, disappearing into the growing shadows of the evening to find a place to rest for the night. He finds a small alcove, no more than a doorstep, and curls up in the space, wrapping his arms around himself and trying to fall asleep.

 

****

 

He’s woken up suddenly, to the smell of alcohol and the sound of raucous laughter. His eyes fly open, but it’s too late; there is a gathering of five men surrounding his little alcove. They are all in uniforms sporting the Military Police insignia, and all of them seem completely drunk.

“Hey, pretty boy,” one of them sneers, leaning down to reach for Levi’s shirt and pulling him up. “We’re looking for some fun.” The others all laugh and cheer, and the guy holding Levi lifts him higher, so his feet aren’t touching the ground anymore, and slams him into the wall, hard enough to make his head spin a little.

“I swear to you that if you do this, I will hunt each of you down and rip out your throats.” Levi forces out through gritted teeth, raising his hands to claw at the man’s arm.

“Oh, so he’s got some fight in him, huh?” the man cries, sounding delighted, and his buddies all goad him on. “Well, then, someone’s going to have to break him at some point, right boys?” The group cheers again, and the man pulls Levi back to slam him into the wall again, harder this time. “And I think tonight seems like the perfect time, don’t you?”

The disgusting man throws Levi to the ground, which is soft but cold with newly fallen snow, and he is so disoriented from the knock to the back of his head that he doesn’t even try to move.

“That’s it, just take it,” the man says, kneeling down and pulling Levi closer to him as another man kneels as well, opening his pants and running a hand through Levi’s long hair, puling sharply so his mouth falls open. The first man is taking out his cock too, and he yanks Levi’s thin pants down. The one with a hold in his hair drags him forward, and slides Levi’s mouth down his cock, just as the man behind him shoves his dick into Levi’s ass.

Levi screams, the excruciating pain making him finally come to his senses, and he bites down hard on the dick in his mouth. The man shrieks, pulling out and cursing, letting go of Levi’s hair, and the smaller man takes the opportunity presented to him.

Twisting around, he grabs hold of the first man’s head and rips his fingernails down the guy’s face, tearing the skin from his temples to his chin, and the man cries out in pain. Levi then kicks him in the stomach with all his strength, and the man goes tumbling backwards, face bleeding profusely now.

All of the men are yelling as Levi jumps up, pulls his pants back up and sprints away, not caring where he’s going as long as its far away from those horrid people.

He ends up at the church, and he tries telling himself it’s because it’s in the center of the city and nearly all roads lead back to the center, but he knows it’s because he wants to see Father Erwin. Collecting himself outside the huge wooden doors, he takes a deep breath, and pushes one of the doors open. He makes his way through the sanctuary, through a side door and down the hallway to the office at the end. The door slams open, making a loud noise, and the person inside jumps, before looking up to see who burst into his office so sharply.

“Oh, Levi,” Erwin says, posture relaxing at the familiar face. “It’s you. I thought –”

Levi stands in the doorway, panting heavily, waiting as Erwin looks him over, taking in his disheveled appearance. The priest’s face hardens, and then he’s standing and walking quickly over to the smaller man.

“Levi,” he says, voice hard and commanding, leaving no room for argument. “What happened?”

Letting out a breath, Levi pauses before beginning. “I was just sleeping in this doorway that leads off into an alley, and then these stupid fucking military assholes came up, pissed drunk, and grabbed me. One of them slammed me against the wall really hard and then they threw me onto the ground and…” He trails off, letting Erwin deduce for himself the events that followed. There are tears stinging Levi’s eyes and he lowers his head. “I guess I had it coming, though. I have a bit of a reputation among the Military Police as being a good lay.”

“No,” Erwin all but growls, placing a finger delicately under his chin and lifting the smaller man’s head up so he’ll look him in the eye. “This is in no way your fault.” Levi ducks his head again, but Erwin coaxes it back up. “Listen to me; this isn’t your fault, you did not deserve this.”

Tears leak out of the corners of Levi’s eyes, and he suddenly feels weak. Seeming to sense this, Erwin picks the slight man up, carrying him to another room on the second floor. Levi assumes this is Erwin’s bedroom, as there is a desk and a bed and hundreds of books on every available surface. He’s placed on the bed, and he lies back, stretching his arms out and waiting for the taller man to return. When he does, it’s with a bucket of warm water and some cloths, and Levi sits up to watch him.

“You can clean yourself off with these,” Erwin says, placing the bucket on the ground at Levi’s feet and handing him the cloths. “I’ll be right outside.”

Levi looks down at the cloths, then back up to Erwin, nodding slowly. The blond man looks reluctant to leave, but he does so anyways, shutting the door behind him softly. Levi begins the process of undressing, the actions automatic and lacking thought, and he relishes in the feeling of the warm water on his skin when he begins cleaning his body. He reaches every inch of his skin with the water, basking in the feeling of going from being dirty to being clean. He finishes quickly, and the water in the bucket is a grimy color, he stands in the room, not moving, not really looking at anything or thinking about anything, just standing.

When he’s dry, he sits back down on the bed and pulls the sheet up around him.

“You can come back,” he calls out, and his voice seems detached from the rest of him. The door opens immediately, and Erwin hastily moves the bucket to the other side of the room. He opens a door on the opposite wall, and pulls out a thick blanket and a large white shirt. He hands Levi the shirt, and the boy pulls it on, grabbing the blanket and wrapping it around himself as soon as he’s clothed.

“Are you alright?” Erwin asks, sitting down beside Levi and watching his face. Levi turns to look at him, eyes empty. Suddenly, he smiles softly.

“You giant assbag,” Levi says quietly, repeating his words from earlier. “I’m never alright.”

Erwin’s brow furrows and Levi can almost hear the gears turning in his head as he wonders if he should be brought to a doctor. They sit there, staring into each other’s eyes for who knows how long, until Levi can’t stand it anymore. He leans up, cupping Erwin’s face with a small hand, and moves close. Erwin doesn’t budge, not leaning in but also not recoiling, which Levi takes as a good sign as he closes the distance and presses their mouths together. At the contact, Levi’s eyes fall shut, and he moves to kneel on the bed, kissing Erwin more firmly. Erwin still hasn’t moved, but he’s almost kissing back, although he doesn’t know how to.

“I’m sorry,” Levi whispers into Erwin’s mouth. “I’m sorry.”

Erwin shakes his head a little at the apology, still mostly frozen in his shock and because he genuinely doesn’t know what to do, but Levi ignores it, preferring to climb onto the priest’s lap and hold his face with both hands.

“I’m sorry,” he murmurs again. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I love you.”

At this, Erwin’s hands come to rest on Levi’s hips, and the admission sounds more like a true confession than anything Levi has ever told him before. But instead of pulling him closer, the way Levi was hoping, Erwin uses his grip on the smaller man’s hips to push him away. Levi pulls his head back to look at the priest, and his vision blurs with tears for the second time that night when he looks into the other man’s eyes and sees nothing but calculated composure.

“You can sleep in here. I’ll only be two doors down in the extra bedroom if you need me,” he says, voice low but no lower than usual, and Levi nods silently, sliding off Erwin’s lap and back onto the bed where he curls up and lets the other drape the blanket over his small form. “I will wake you tomorrow morning for breakfast.”

Levi nods again, sleep already tugging at his eyelids as he watches Erwin leave the room, pausing for a moment at the door to look at Levi once more, before leaving for good.

 

****

 

The next morning, Levi wakes up warm for the first time in as long as he can remember. Sitting up, he looks around, taking in where he is and recalling last night’s events, remembering the men who attacked him and filing their faces away for future reference. The rest of the night is a struggle to remember, blocked out with white noise and blurred vision, broken only by his memory of how he had kissed Erwin.

Suddenly the door is opening, and Levi jumps back, pressing his hands against the wall so he has something to spring off of if he needs to defend himself. He relaxes, though, when he sees it’s just Erwin, carrying a tray laden with bread and fruits and cheeses.

“Ah, good. You’re awake,” the blond man says with a smile. “I thought you might be an early riser.”

He sets the tray down on the bed to Levi’s left, and goes to open the closet again. After rummaging around in it for some time, he lets out a victorious sound and pulls out a pair of black trousers and a black shirt.

“Here,” he says, handing the articles of clothing to the boy, who stuffs the end of a piece of baguette into his mouth and puts on the clothes as he chews. They sit in silence, Erwin having pulled a chair over so he could sit in front of Levi and watch him while he eats. And eat he does. Levi isn’t sure when he’s ever felt so nourished, even when he still lived with his parents. He watches Erwin watching him as he eats, eyes locked and neither ever wavering, a staring contest where neither seems to have the upper hand. Finally, Levi can’t stay quiet anymore.

“Why are you doing this?” he asks, voice soft, almost pleading.

“What do you mean?” Erwin asks, leaning back slightly and widening his eyes.

“I mean,” Levi huffs, frustrated. “Why are you being so kind to me?”

This seems to be something Erwin can answer, as his face softens. “Because I vowed to help anyone in need.”

“No,” Levi says firmly, shaking his head. “There’s more. Why do you look forward to my confessions? Is it so you can keep an eye on me?” Suddenly his train of thought abruptly changes direction, and he lashes out. “Or does it have something to do with how I occupy my time?” Erwin flinches slightly at this, knowing that Levi is making reference to his prostitution. “Don’t think I don’t notice how you get all quiet when I tell you my tally, old man, we both know—”

“Enough,” Erwin interrupts suddenly, voice strong and commanding, and he leans forward in his chair, making Levi shrink back the slightest bit. “You don’t know what you’re saying, _boy_.”

Levi can’t help the shiver that runs up his spine, and he scowls at the term, but the anger is merely superficial, as the events of last night are playing in his head. Erwin is far larger than him; he could do whatever he wanted with a slight boy like him, and the thought makes Levi nauseous.

Erwin must see the panic in Levi’s eyes, as he leans back and pushes his chair back a foot or two, holding his hands up so they stay where Levi can see them.

“Levi,” he says softly, imploringly. “Levi, I’m sorry. I’m not going to hurt you, alright? I could never do such a thing.”

Levi nods, breathing deeply to regain his composure. Once his heart is back to beating at a normal pace, he meets Erwin’s eyes again.

“I’m leaving,” he says, voice carefully measured. “I don’t know if I’ll be back or not.”

He stands, and Erwin watches him go with distress painted clearly across his face. He doesn’t say anything, though, for which Levi is simultaneously grateful for and resentful of. He leaves the church through a side door, slipping away into the dawn. He has to physically force himself not to look back, grabbing hold of his hair and holding his head forward as he sprints away from the house of worship, tears stinging his eyes.

 

****

 

That night, he meets his regular customers in his regular spot, in an alley off of a shady street in an equally shady part of town. He greets them with only an incline of the head, leading them in silence to a dead-end street two blocks away.

They are all the same; they push him roughly against the cool bricks, kissing his neck and jaw but not his lips, never his lips. He doesn’t make a sound, even as they are pulling at his trousers and slicking up in record time, hiking him up with hands under his thighs, and pushing in immediately. They fuck him like that, roughly, against the wall, and from this vantage point Levi can just barely see the roof of the church. He keeps his eyes fixed on that point, as always, thinking of Erwin and how his lips had been as soft as Levi had always imagined.

The deed is done quickly, and they hand over the money and leave in no time flat, and Levi is left there, numb.

After his fourth that night, he is too tired to continue, so he curls up under a balcony and tries to sleep.

 

****

 

The dawn greets him, as it usually does, and he jumps up to dislodge the thin layer of snow that has accumulated, leaving his sleeping place to walk around, so as to get the blood flowing properly in his body.

He stops at a bakery top buy himself a loaf of bread, and eats it pensively as he makes his way to one of the three orphanages in the town. Making as little noise as possible, he slips in through the front door, places the rest of the money he made the night before on the table in the foyer, and sneaks out quietly. He’s sure they know it’s him who leaves the money, but he’s never been confronted about it so the two parties leave each other in peace. Levi had started doing this, giving his money to orphanages, when he was 13. He didn’t know what to do with the money he earned, so he had decided to give it to children in need, hoping it would give them the chance to live the life Levi never could.

Afterwards, he finds he doesn’t have anything to do during the day, so he decides to walk along the river, the way he always does when he needs to think.

As he makes his way along the riverbank, secluded from the world and the noise, his thoughts stray towards Erwin, as they always do. He remembers the heat of their chests pressed against one another, the feel of his strong hands on his hips and they frazzled look in his eyes when Levi had pulled away. All he wants is to have him pressed close again, even closer if possible, and to have kissing him back, oh yes, that would be nice. But Levi knows that’s not possible, he knows that, and the sudden recognition of this concrete, unchangeable fact makes his heart leap.

It’s almost freeing, knowing that he can never, no matter how hard he tries, have this man that he so desperately wants. He has been deluding himself for months now, wasting away until he was nothing but a shell containing a desperate desire to see the priest, and finally admitting the truth to himself liberates him.

He now truly has nothing to live for.

Coming back to his body, he realizes that he’s smiling wide, truly happy for the first time in who knows how long. Throwing his head back, he laughs up at the bare tree branches above his head, watching the puff of breath curl away from him. He really has nothing to live for.

 _So_ , he thinks. _Why live at all?_

The thought sends his heart into a frenzy, and he stops dead, turning to look towards the town. He can see it, not too far away, the steeple of the church visible against the grey clouds, and then back to face the river.

It’s moving quickly, not having frozen yet, but there is something he can tie his shirt to so he doesn’t float away. He wants to see Erwin before he croaks, he decides, so he sheds his shirt quickly and ties the sleeve around his wrist. The other sleeve is secured to a fallen tree, and Levi braces himself for the cold, telling himself that it will all turn out okay.

Gingerly, he steps into the rushing water, and curses. It can’t be above freezing temperature, but still it speeds by him. Biting his lip, he goes in further, the cold water biting harshly at his bare skin when he sinks his torso in too, and then all at once he submerges his head. The silence envelops him, and for once his mind is quiet too, focusing only on the image of the water rushing above him. He smiles again, and some of the water slips into his mouth and down his throat. The chill of it seeps right into his blood, and Levi finds he enjoys it, so he opens his mouth and swallows whole mouthfuls of disgusting, cold river water, only stopping when his only thought is of how cold he is.

Suddenly he is wrenched from his peaceful silence by someone he doesn’t recognize, and is hauled up onto the riverbank. The person is yelling for someone to fetch a doctor and a priest, and Levi smiles faintly. His mind is fuzzy from the lack of air he suffered from when under water, but he can still figure out that as the town doctor lives clear on the other side of town, it is likely that Erwin will get to him first. The thought comforts him far more than the man who rescued him does, even though he is draping his jacket over Levi’s body.

Levi waits patiently for Erwin to arrive, and when he does he reaches out towards the man’s voice, finding himself unable to turn his head.

“Levi!” Erwin cries, dropping to his knees beside the one who rescued him and pulling Levi from the man’s arms. “What have you done?”

Levi can’t answer, so the man who pulled him out takes it upon himself to describe how his arm had been secured to the tree with his shirt. The explanation seems only to make Erwin more confused, as he stares at Levi with eyes full of concern, distress, fear and confusion. Levi only smiles in response, and Erwin shakes his head.

“Why?” he asks, quietly, and the man seems to take it as his cue to leave.

“You could… never… love me,” Levi explains, teeth chattering and making it hard for him to speak. For the first time, he realizes he is shaking all over when he reaches up to touch Erwin’s forehead, smoothing out the concerned furrow in his brow. “Don’t… don’t worry, though. I couldn’t… love myself… so why… should I ask… you… to do it… for me?”

Erwin shakes his head, pressing his forehead into Levi’s small palm, and Levi realizes there are tears in the priest’s eyes.

"I want… I want to confess,” Levi manages, and Erwin nods readily, seeming to have resigned himself to the fact that Levi was going to die, and willingly jumps to fulfill his dying wish.

Levi takes a deep, shuddering breath before beginning.

“Forgive me... Father… for I have… sinned. I am… I am in love… with a man…” He smiles wide. “Arguably… one of your… finest creations.”

Erwin shakes his head again, closing his eyes against the tears as he speaks the words that will never be the same to him again. “Do you offer your heart to God in order to be forgiven by Him?”

Levi shakes his head. “I offer my heart… to you.” He gasps and a cough rattles his small frame. “In order… to be forgiven… by you.”

Erwin smiles slightly, eyes opening to gaze at the small boy, and nods. “Of course, Levi. You are forgiven,” he says, not letting his voice waver.

“Thank you,” Levi murmurs, and closes his eyes. Six more breaths shudder out of his frozen lungs, and then there is no sound, except for the running water of the river.

Erwin leans his forehead against Levi’s and lets the tears fall freely.

**Author's Note:**

> christ almighty i am so sorry
> 
> this is kind of based off of/inspired by this fucking work of art that killed me bluebackstabber.tumblr.com/post/67383320224/pitchinerkozmotis
> 
> but yes this is for the lovely jamie (bluebackstabber.tumblr.com) who is flawless in every way and i love her to death oh golly
> 
> there might be more of this (as in the smut that was supposed to happen before levi decided to go ahead and diE) if enough want but yes here it is kids


End file.
